I Only wear a Trenchcoat when it’s raining

In 1841, Edgar Allan Poe is credited with writing the first detective novel: Murders in the Rue Morgue. Later, readers were outraged when Sir A. Conan Doyle killed off Sherlock Holmes. He was forced to bring Dr. Watson’s roomie back to life. Phillip Marlowe and Sam Spade introduced the hard-boiled detective to the silver screen. 

Magnum, PI, and The Rockford Files humanized the PI on TV. In an hour, minus commercials, they had a car chase, knocked a guy out with one punch and kissed the damsel in distress, all while solving the case before the credits rolled. The tough-guy shamus, the brooding silhouette lurking in the shadows, the whiskey and unfiltered cigarettes have fed the public’s imagination for over 150 years. 

At parties or social gatherings, people ask me what do I do and I tell them that I am a Licensed Private Investigator. It invariably causes a reaction. Some people are intrigued, other ask half-jokingly, “Are you following me?”

“No”, I reply. “Not today, but that 2012 tax return that you filed seems a little funky, don’t you think?” Then I smile.  Sometimes, I can’t help myself by playing into the stereotype.

Let’s dispel some of the stereotypes right now. 

I’d like to think I can throw a knock-out punch. Boom! I drop “Tiny” the enraged 300 pound Biker/Bouncer without leaving a mark on my dynamite left fist.  In reality, I shake hands with “Tiny” and give him a man hug, hoping that none of his piercings snag me. You see, I handled a case for Tiny’s sister a couple years earlier and he feels that he is forever indebted to me.

Gunplay? Really? I have a better chance of having my gun turned around on me than having to use it to defend myself or someone else. ( I don’t carry, most gumshoes don’t either) The cost of carrying a concealed weapon would quadruple the premium of my Errors & Omission and General Liability Coverage.  

Too many big name authors portray our profession as being infested by seedy or shady thugs who can give a guy a good trimming. Same still goes for TV and the movies.

 Shady characters? Did you know that Private Investigators are licensed in most states and are required to carry over $1,000,000 in liability insurance and must be bonded? The State Police in Connecticut, where I ply my trade, enforce the laws strictly on PI activity. The application process is very thorough with notarized affidavits from neighbors and business associates accompanying my driver’s history and credit history on a lengthly application. Five years of real investigative work  (Not pointing a radar gun at speeders) or 4 years and a college degree is the first gatekeeper, before even being considered.

In reality, we come mostly from the law enforcement ranks and are looking to extend our careers beyond the boundaries of our old jurisdictions. We are joined by returning Vets and Criminal Justice majors and people from many walks of life who became interested in investigations. We attend conferences, network and join associations. We play by the rules. Yet, there are times when a prospective client, who has watched too many movies, thinks that I can “bend” the law without getting caught. I try to educate them as to how I can get what they want legally. That is where the magic comes in.

Our income is derived from paying clients, but that doesn’t make us whores. No, the customer is not always right, especially when they ask us to step over the line. I will also let you in on another truth. Most PI’s will turn down jobs where the money is good, but the client is clearly not thinking straight. 

This happens mostly in Matrimonial cases. Emotionally distraught spouses are willing to empty their checking accounts to get the goods on the their significant other.  Staying an hour for beers after the softball game now has turned to midnight. A second cell phone is found in the car. Gradually, the significant other starts dressing nicer and chunks of time that used to be spent at home are spent away from the house. I listen to the litany of complaints and the mounting evidence of infidelity. I have to be a part counselor, part confidant and part skeptical friend, but in the end, I have to think about what they need for court. There are some investigators who will be glad to spend the client’s money till it runs out. Yes, they argue that they are providing the client with the courage needed to take the next step towards divorce or modifying custody agreements. In reality, when they supply their reports and the DVDs capturing the errant spouse’s behavior in public, they are really giving the client a couple of very expensive drink coasters.  Over two decades, I have turned down most of these requests, after thoughtfully listening for the free consultative hour, with this phrase, “Save your money for your lawyer. It walks like a duck and it squawks like a duck, Listen, it’s a duck.”

Lurking in Shadows on a stakeout? This is where most people get it wrong about surveillance jobs. First, we are trained in surveillance both mobile and on foot; I even followed a person onto an airplane once*, but we are not superhuman. Law Enforcement will use multiple chase cars, plain-vanilla vans, darkened SUVs and even helicopters.  A single PI or two have to obey most of the traffic laws. (Don’t dare pass on the school bus with its flashing reds on)

Try to make a left turn in a busy shopping area across four lanes of traffic? Ain’t happening. It’s not hard for a subject to make a PI’s tail, if they think they are being followed. Tip: Drive the speed limit on the highway and see which car never passes you.  We lose the people we are following for a variety of reasons, mostly because we don’t want to get made by the subject which puts them on high alert, so we hang back.

We don’t give a blow by blow descriptions where the subject is or what the subject doing. There is a chilling video on the internet taken by the surveillance company where the wife was told real time what hotel the hubby was shacking up in. It shows her Mercedes repeatedly driving over his body after she knocked him down.  

After the fact reports can detail that the horizontal mambo is most likely going on behind closed doors, but there is an expectation of privacy and no pin-hole camera or other listening device is allowed. No reputable firm is going to bring on that heat. Suffice it to say that if you see the client’s beloved going into a hotel with someone else for a period of time, they are not playing Yahtzee.  

 Here is what Today’s Private Investigator really do. They works with a Laptop, uses databases and social media sites to locate people. They employ Drones and pin hole cameras secreted in the soda cans to catch the “totally disabled” worker laying on a new roof for their buddy. Palm-sized video cameras and an internet connection beam images real time to the attorney’s office of what the significant other is really doing out in the public domain.  All those trips to the gym didn’t really happen. The GPS Tracker unit on the car pinpointed where the spouse repeatedly met their lover. 

How did the accident happen at an intersection? A quick scan of Google maps and Google Earth gives the intrepid PI the layout of  businesses to visit for their Closed Circuit Security Camera feeds. A thumb-drive captures the video of the accident. Played in court, a jury can clearly see who is at fault. If a picture is worth a thousand words, a video download can be worth millions of dollars in a death or dismemberment case.

Knock on a door to talk on a witness canvass and find out they only speak Albanian?

No problem. Google Translate will do some of the heavy lifting for you. Dictation software makes report-writing much easier. Text messages have replaced answering machines. Entire international interviews have been accomplished on WhatsApp, Skype or FaceTime. Street maps and street directories have been replaced by the nice British-accented voice  emanating from your car’s GPS.

The solo PI is still the backbone of the business, just as there are large organizations as there were in the old days when Pinkerton or the Burns Agency ruled the roost. Some work as generalists in the hard to reach places. Others specialize in every imaginable niche where people and money are involved. 

I run 90% of my business with my adult son from a  five year-old iPad2, but I still like jacketing a file. Call me old fashioned, but I like printing off the paper to put in a manila folder to have with me when I go to a scene or to talk with a witness. 

I work for attorneys that represent regular people who were seriously hurt in horrible accidents or those who have been charged with serious crimes that they claim they didn’t commit.  It’s very much the David versus Goliath thing with my attorney on one side and the powers of the Government, Large Corporations or Insurance Companies on the other. I like to think that the facts and evidence that I find are the smooth stones for my attorney’s slingshot.

Many times, I am standing on those doorsteps in bad neighborhoods  and in the dark, because it is the only time some people are home and it is harder for someone to kick you off their doorstep than it is to hang up on you.  Sometimes, the only way I catch some people at home are on weekends or holidays. Many times, these are what we term “cold calls”. This is where you have to establish rapport, frame the issue and help the person decide they want to talk to you. This is a PI’s most important skill set when doing fieldwork.

The world of the PI continues to evolve with technology and new opportunities arise for those who choose not to, go the way of the dinosaurs. But still, good old-fashion shoe leather and people skills are needed when enquiring minds need to know. The combination of technology and street work is what makes this job exciting. 

Everyday, I meet people from all walks of life, flex my mental muscles and find out the most interesting things. Best of all, I get paid well for my time and expertise, unlike the shameless shamus portrayed in the movies, books or on TV.

I am doing  a lot better than Jake in Chinatown that’s for sure. 

• Fly the Friendly Skies is the short story that is part of my book Mugshots: My Favorite Detective Stories. Download it FREE at www.johnhoda.com